Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
