new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
