Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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