Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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