She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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