They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
