It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
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She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize