the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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