I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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