I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
