Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
