we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
COCAINE IS GR8
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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