So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
