dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Randomize
