I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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