the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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