i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
