i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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