I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
did you just send me my own nude
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
