i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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