I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I checked into jail on foursquare
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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