I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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