If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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