How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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