somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
