i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
