I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
