remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
