just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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