Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
