FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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