Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
ok first of all what the fuck
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
