You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
