I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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