Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
