Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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