Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
