I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I believe in your delicious
The Olympian is in my bed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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