gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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