Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
