No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
