oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
