hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
