It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
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