They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
