Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
