end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
