The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
