Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
