My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
