so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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