I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
