I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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