Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
