OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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