the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
