His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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