I'm laying in your front yard are you home
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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