i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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