Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
