I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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