i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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