hotel room ftw
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
